The questions I have gotten since coming out, in relation to my being Transgender and all that encompasses have not always been easy to navigate. Since beginning my Princess Lily Tablets©* as the days turned into weeks, and now into months, my sense of self has made itself clear and my self confidence has continued to rise.
Someone recently asked me, regarding all the changes that my body is now going through, does it feel strange. I understood the intent of the question, however it was posed from a lack of knowledge about the experience of those who choose a medical route regarding their transition.
If I had felt strange, that would have worried me. In actual fact, I always felt strange in the person that I was prior to my egg crack. I feel the furthest thing from strange, I feel like I have finally arrived at home, at the person who I always was. It seems impossible to me, even this short of a distance from my life before I came out, how I existed at all.
My life had been in a haze, all my experiences had been filtered through the wrong lens. With all these pieces of the person that I am falling in to place it is little wonder that I would also be feeling a surge in self confidence. I did not think that this would be one of the results of my transition. I worried how I would feel going around as myself, I still did it but I also lived in that anxiety bubble and it often affected my desire to interact with people.
We are coming on ten months since I came out and with every passing day being me has become easier and easier. Now I don’t want to paint to rosy a picture, yes there are very hard days, and sometimes weeks. The difference is now when I get down I don’t self isolate. I might manage my anxiety triggers but I do continue on. One of my many mantra’s of late has become “Forward, forever forward” because I know that despite any obstacles that may be put in my way there is only one direction.
Refining who I am to the best expression of that sense of self is a daily task that I now relish. I know that I will make plenty of mistakes, and that’s okay. It’s about more than the journey now, finally I feel invested in not only my work but in my life. So I am putting my best foot forward intent to make a positive impact in other people’s lives, this becomes my next phase.
Thank you for being here, Be Kind & Do No Harm.
J. Avery Cain
*Princess Lily Tablets© this is my phrase that I use for my Hormone Replacement Therapy tablets.
All rights reserved “©” 2019 Brian Nathan Schwartz (This is my “deadname” and is included here only for legal purposes.)
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